I can hardly believe it – I’ll be 24 weeks pregnant tomorrow! It’s crazy to think that this journey is already halfway over, and that baby boy Gillis and I have made it through 24 weeks together – I’m so excited and anxious and am feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to be a Mama.

I’ve been writing letters to our little boy a few times a week since before we even conceived a child, and this week, I told our baby all about my trip this past weekend to Minneapolis. My parents, my brother and I traveled to Minneapolis to do some shopping for the baby and to see my cousin Kristen, and we had a wonderful time! What was surprising to me, however, was how tired and sore I was after shopping the entire weekend! I’m usually such a go-go-go shopper that I don’t even notice when I’ve been shopping all day, but this weekend was so, so different; after a few hours of shopping, my lower back began to ache, and after one day of shopping, I had a bit of swelling around my ankles! I think I pushed myself a bit too hard this weekend in terms of walking the outlet malls, IKEA and the Mall of America, all in the span of two days – what an interesting learning experience!

We heard our little boy’s heartbeat again on Friday at our regular prenatal appointment, and it was 140 beats per minute and strong. I love hearing the heartbeat – it’s so reassuring to know that the baby is a-growing and healthy in there! At my prenatal appointment, I found out that I had gained TWELVE POUNDS between my last appointment (just one month ago) and this appointment. For a girl who hasn’t really had any weight gain so far in my pregnancy (due to me feeling so sick for five weeks!), I think that my doctor was a bit shocked. It didn’t help that I mentioned my obsession with Cheetos, too, which prompted the doctor to recommend that I ration myself in terms of eating Cheetos – BOO! :) I know that Cheetos have like zero nutritional value, and I rarely eat them when I’m not pregnant, but it’s so funny to me that I’m susceptible to strange pregnancy cravings like Cheetos (and any other orange foods, like orange soda, mac & cheese, nachos, etc.). I promised my doctor that I would try to eat better this month, so here goes nothing!

One more belly picture, because I’m feeling so big (and yes, I’m aware that I will continue to grow bigger and bigger as the weeks pass by!):

Lots of love, Sara & Baby Boy

My BabyCenter pregnancy app told me today that my due date is in 120 days. Can you believe that? I remember when it was closer to 200 days, and I wondered if time would ever pass by, if I would EVER be close to meeting this little man in my belly, and now it’s only 120 days! That feels so soon.

It’s crazy to think that if all goes well, I’ll be a Mama to a little boy in 120 days or less (or more, I suppose, if the baby is pokey). My Mom and I have been taking inventory of the baby clothes that we’ve purchased thus far. I’ve also been hard at work making lists of things to look for and buy before the baby arrives. My baby registries have been consistently updated since January. My husband and I plan to purchase the rest of our cloth diapers in March. We’ve purchased adorable fabric that my Mom will fashion into crib sheets. We’ve selected a paint color for the baby’s changing table/dresser. My husband and I have lovingly selected a name for our little boy.

In other words, plans are a-flowin’ around these parts, and yet, what I’m finding is that in spite of all of this baby-prep that I’ve been immersing myself in for the past few months, I still feel like me, the authentic me that exists and thrives outside of the preparation I’ve been doing to take on the role of Mama. And even more so, I feel exhilarated – not frightened - by the way in which my selfhood will change when I meet my little man for the first time.

How is it possible to retain one’s selfhood when facing such a monumental life change as becoming a mother? I often wonder that, especially when I overhear conversations, or read blog posts, or learn from other Mama’s, who say that their lives have been completely and meaningfully altered with the arrival of their little child, yet they still feel inherently like their true selves. Some Mama’s have even revealed that in taking on the role of Mama, they are able to reclaim more of their authentic self; they are able to tap into an authentic selfhood that they never knew existed.

Yet, in order to trust this notion, in order to believe all of these experienced Mama’s, all I need to think about is the me that existed before my marriage to Jordan, as compared to the me that exists today, 1.5 years (and counting) later. I still feel like me, the Sara that is overly dramatic, a bit of a worrier, a bit selfish, but is also compassionate, concerned, loving and passionate. However, in looking back on my first year or so of marriage, I now feel a new sense of identity that has shaped me as I’ve taken on the role of wife. I’m now a little bit more focused on viewing my life as a journey, a marathon, a joint effort between my husband and I that is focused on achieving our dreams and goals. Since I’ve been married, I’m more aware of and deeply appreciative of the way in which my husband loves and cares for me (especially after my bout with morning sickness). In other words, I feel like my selfhood has changed as I’ve become a wife because I’m more able to step outside of my dramatic, selfish self to appreciate what it means to be loved and to love someone else in such a life-altering way.

While up until now, taking on the role of wife has been the most life-altering change I’ve made in terms of chasing after my authentic self, I think often about the way in which my heart will expand and grow five times its size (much like the Grinch!) upon meeting my little man for the first time. Sure, I know that there will be ways in which I will change that will seem frustrating – I will (most likely) worry more – even though that seems impossible for a worrier like me; I know that I will feel the desperation and the electricity of loving someone so much because he came from me, and from my husband; I know that I will endure frustrating disappointments along with lightning moments of success as I constantly judge myself as a Mama against the barometer of what a good mother should be, in my mind.

Yet, I know and trust that for mothers everywhere, becoming a Mama doesn’t mean that we lose ourselves, that we lose our quirks, our dreams, our goals, ourselves. Sure, we change; our selfhood changes upon encountering and fulfilling such a life-altering role as mothers. But, I have to believe that for all mothers, if we all were so meaningfully and irrevocably changed, so much so that we didn’t even recognize ourselves anymore, and if this change wasn’t a powerfully good thing, I know that mothers wouldn’t desire to become mothers; I know that this desire that I felt (and feel) in my heart to become a Mama wouldn’t persist in such a powerful way. In other words, I know that God’s masterful plan – the plan that has blessed me with the opportunity to be a Mama in the first place – includes a plan for a meaningful nurturing of who I am now, my authentic self as it currently stands, as well as a plan for the life-changing alteration of who I will become as I take on the Mama role.

It’s a crazy thing to be on the cusp of, motherhood. When I was engaged and planning my wedding, Jordan and I read a book on questions to ask and answer as a couple on the cusp of marriage. We also took part in a premarital counseling session with our pastor, my Uncle Rick. Both were so helpful to Jordan and I, both individually and as a couple, that I knew that I wanted to take the time to think intelligently and critically throughout my pregnancy about what kind of mother I wanted to be.

One of the activities that Jordan and I have done since we were married is on every New Year’s Eve, we recap the previous year, and we plan and dream for the year ahead. It’s one of my most favorite things to do every holiday season, and I think that both Jordan and I are surprised at how far we’ve come each year in achieving our personal and shared goals. This year was no different – we were so excited and blessed to be expecting a child, and we were on the cusp of one of the most important roles of our lives: parents. During our year-end discussion around New Year’s 2011, Jordan and I discussed not only what we want to achieve personally in 2012, but also what we want our family to look like, and how we see ourselves developing as parents.

When thinking about what kind of parents we want to be, we discussed how we want to be wholly supportive of our children’s aspirations, which, to us, means that we want to encourage them to dream and to take part in activities that interest them. We discussed how important it is for our family that I am able to be at home with our child (and with any future children, should we be blessed with such an opportunity) as long as it is financially feasible to do so. We discussed our educational priorities for our children, especially in terms of the Montessori philosophy that we want to introduce to our child from birth on. We also want to do our best to educate our children on what is often considered to be the “dangerous” parts of life (i.e. drugs, alcohol) by having frank and honest discussions with them regarding the importance of their choices and the lasting impact of the decisions that they make as young adults.

I have a BabyCenter pregnancy app on my phone, and what I love about this app is that it not only lets me know what is going on with my baby boy in my belly, but it also asks me critical questions to help me think about what it will mean to be a Mama after our little man arrives. All I know now about motherhood (apart from a few basic care-taking practices) is that I want my little boy to know that I am in love with him already (that I’ve been in love with him before we even conceived him), and the way in which I’ve been able to show that and channel that feeling throughout my entire pregnancy (and even before we conceived our child!) is by writing letters to my son. It’s a secret project that I’ve been working on (I’ve only shared my letters with Jordan and with my Mom), and I’m so excited to continue writing to our little man throughout the rest of my pregnancy and throughout his life. I can’t wait to give these letters to my son someday.

While it can be impossible to predict what motherhood will be like for me, I know that it’s been worth my time to think intelligently about what kind of mother I want to be. I know that I have a Type-A personality, and while my personality type helps to explain my hyper-active planning tendencies regarding our efforts to get ready for the baby in terms of clothing and baby gear, I hope that with motherhood, I am able to follow the lead of my baby boy and model my role as a mother around his needs.